Dear World

If only you could see how pissed i am. Oh wait, you can.  You may think a relationship has gone completly sour, or that someone in my life has died, Or maybe your thinking she looks pissed because her car got taken away and cant go to roller derby practice tomorrow. Well, If you thought any of those things, you would be right.  I am so thorally pissed at my mother, who has told me that i am no longer allowed to drive, and my Ex best friend, who gave my mother a reason to take my car and life away. If only you kept you big mouth shut for once.  I dedicate this page to my brother, because without him, this post wouldnt be here.

 

Manic

I feel like I’m going crazy.  All the rage and betrayal inside me is thourally pissing me off. Last Night i was laughing at him. Laughing so hard that i was going a litte insane. Then i finally go to bed last night.  Wake up and feel the emptyness.

Why do people have relationships if the majority of the time they end up falling apart. I should never have let him kiss me. I should never have kissed him back.  This is for the best though.  Now i dont have to have fights with myself anymore. I dont have to feel like an insecure school girl. Oh and to mr. Inevitable, if your reading this, IM AN ADULT, IF YOU WANTED ME THAT BAD YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ME AS I AM AND NOT TRIED TO CHANGE ME. I THINK YOU JUST LOST YOUR CHANCE.

 

Guys.

I really dont know what to say. I’m appalled. repulsed. I feel Played. I hope i can forget Mr. Inevitable soon. Kissing me then leaving. saying “Lets just be friends.”  I honestly thought you liked me but you just wanted to get the feel of my ass then leave. what a jerk. I Hope you dont get that job at subway. I hope you end up working for Mickey D’s forever. The oil turning you mostly clear skin to an acne ridden hell. I hope your “Buddies” leave you because they realise how lame you are and that girl you were staring at at school turns out to be a man.

So my birthday was FANTASTIC. It was a great  day. Met a wonderful guy who likes me and cares what i say. I have a new enthusiasm for life and the most of the time im happy. 18 years is such a big step. You actually have the ability to make dreams come true. On my birthday i wished for one day, my prince to come, and also for me to make the roller derby team ( will write about that later!)Hahah. I know its totally cheesy but the next day my friend came over. We will call him Mr Inevitable. He is amazing and sexy and I’m pretty sure he likes me for who i am. Im so gracious to the birthday wish  god/s. lets hope the other wish works out too!

School Is in Session

Yesterday was the first day of senior year. How crazy is that. Less than a year til i get done with high school and a little over a year til i start college. Im not entirely sure how im going to get in with the whole “alternative” school thing but hey, its worth a shot. My dream, of going to art school is going to be a big challenge. i have absoulutly no idea how to go about making a portfolio for colleges so I’m a bit nervous.

Im getting my licence in a few days. Im so excited. I can finally go places without having to bum rides off of people. And its perfect timing  too because i want to take a photography class at the real high school so i can get there by myself in a few days.

Oh and one more thing before i sign off for the night, I signed up to play roller Derby. I am wondrously Excited. That may be the reason for my overflowing good mood.

Birthdays

If only i wasn’t so stressed, so worried. Becoming Eighteen is a big deal. but for me, a party is not going to happen. Sure, i wanted to hang with all my friends and have a ton of fun, but the wolf of a mother shot me down from that idea. The mother is applying for a job so she is mega stressed and cant deal with me being old right now. I wish i was a single cell organism. Weird right? i could just be floating around, doing whatever single cell organisms do. Hoping maybe one day the world will help me evolve. But that is a worthless wish. I am Human. made up of million cells that are made of cells themselves, right?

Lately ive been thinking about why birthdays exist. OK maybe not exist, more like celebrated. Why does it matter that i have lived nearly 18 hopeless, loveless years? Because humans always have to know. We are greedy for knowledge and wealth, spoiled, dangerous  beings who just keep taking and keep trying to figure out why we are here. maybe birthdays are just to mark the time we’ve been on earth. Sure, sounds great right? Every one else believes that So why shouldn’t I. Because i am a skeptic. My thoughts on birthdays? Its the measure of how strong your body is. If you live til your 50 your body was okay, maybe a tad weak. if you live til you are 108, you have a strong body. Oh and tragic accidents don’t count. If i sound like I’m being rude, i am sorry. its just how i think. My birthday will be a reminder to me about how much pain you can cause in 18 years. And how the next 18 may be better. I’m wishing for my birthday wish that i will find strength in myself this year and get stronger in the years to come.

If Everything, I owe you all an apology…

I Forgot to post my speach saying i was being stupid and i didnt overdose. I’M SORRY WHOEVER READS MY BLOG. Im doing well. Im raising money for Charity:water right now. Im super excited.  Its going so well. (hahah thats funny because im raising money for a well.  Yard sale today! woot!

Ambien Overdose

This last October, I tried to commit suicide. I had just turned 17 and nothing was going right. Its been wired in my brain that i am worthless because of the 6 years of constant bulling in the past. It stopped for a bit in high school then picked back up again. I Have serious trust issues and cannot find a way to keep friends close enough to tell them anything. Im so scared of telling them because they could turn around and use it against me like in the past. so a few weeks after my birthday, I attempted. I took Adavan at school, got on the bus to my other school, attended a 3 hour class and when my mother came to get me, we went to pet smart and i got lost. When she found me, she took me to the hospital. Of course I don’t remember anything of that day. in fact i don’t remember that ENTIRE WEEK. when i woke up i was in the hospital stuck to an IV with a babysitter. i then got transfered to a Phyc hospital and was there for two weeks.
Its been only 4 months but i feel today is the day ambien will be my relief. I cant hold myself together anymore and i cant fake happy anymore. Im suffocating and i truly am alone in these troubles. My protective wall i put up a long time ago wont let me reach out. I will  hold out the best i can but if i get one more misfit joke thrown at me i swear, Ambien will be my relief.

Another No Title

I’m spiraling down again. i feel so bad. I feel like darkness in suffocating me, I’m stressed, tired, Dizzy, and terribly terribly upset. i cant find my feet to help me hold on to solid ground. i feel totally consumed by my shadows and i feel are dangerous. I have racing thoughts. i could possibly me manic. i feel endangered. I am in so much pain i could drown. Im cold. It feels like im freezing from the inside out.   I have no clue how this started. all i want is for this to end. One way of another i want this to end.

Without Doubt…

I love my new laptop!It arrived yesterday and Its absolutely perfect. The only problem is that it doesnt fit into the tiny computer bag i have. It’s alright though. I can get a new one…or use another bag i own.

So im trying to figure out if i should stay in welding. Im not entirely sure so I’ve created this…

YAY for being indecisive! Hahah!

So life is going awesome! My siblings went out and got christmas presents earlier this week. it was pretty fun. Our parents are going to be super surprised when they see what we got them. Id tell you, but how can i trust you not to tell my parents? Maybe i will tell you all later.